How to help a child deal with the death of a Grandparent

To end this week, I’d like to offer help to anyone suffering the loss of a parent who is also struggling to help their child process that loss. So if you’d like to know how to help a child deal with the death of a Grandparent, then read on for some tips.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss you are dealing with, grief is a very personal journey and everyone handles it differently. I hope that my blog will offer some practical advice for supporting a bereaved child and perhaps maybe you will also pick up some tips to support yourself along the way. 

Secondly, I feel it’s important to add here that I am not a child psychologist, nor have I completed any specialist bereavement training. The advice I’m offering has come from my own personal journey with grief and my own Police background and training. In addition to many hours of research into ways I can help and support my own child to deal with bereavement.

Tip 1 - Words not to use

It’s important that children understand a very simplified meaning of death. It’s often easy to avoid words that seem final, however children do not possess an inbuilt understanding of death and it’s important to use descriptions that they understand. Using words such as ‘Granddad has passed away’ or ‘We’ve lost Nannie’ can cause feelings of confusion and leave children feeling unsettled and anxious. Explaining that death is final and that the person can no longer feel things, eat, sleep, feel pain or breathe can help children to process that a loved one is not going to return. Though this does feel cold, child psychologists agree that children need to understand the facts. This can also prevent awkward questions later down the line. 

Tip 2- Allow them to be a child

Children are inquisitive, they will ask questions and we need to allow them the time to ask those questions. It’s important to be honest where appropriate, but be mindful that they are still children. Often children supporting bereaved parents can feel forced into a role where they feel responsible for looking after their loved ones. It’s important to understand that they need love and support as much as us and they need to be reminded that they are still children and that it’s good to process their own emotions rather than put on a brave face for others. Understand that children will have a mix of emotions - sometimes they will be completely themselves and seem not to care, other times they will show sadness. I can recall my 6 year old’s response to the death of my mother quite clearly and the words “Oh well, at least we won’t have to go to the nursing home again now, it’s a bit boring” will never leave me, but in a way they did make me smile! Let them be little. 

Tip 3- Deal with feelings of guilt 

Often children can display feelings of guilt when a loved one passes away; they can feel a sense of responsibility and that they may have been to blame. It’s important that children are reassured that death is a normal part of life and that we will all die eventually but that most people die when they are much older. Manage feelings of guilt by offering reassurance and explanations where appropriate. 

Tip 4- Seek support from online resources 

Dealing with a child processing death can be extremely hard. Often as parents and guardians, our natural instinct is to want to make everything better and tell them it will all be ok, but equally, children need to be allowed time to be sad. Suppressing emotions can lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Children need to be offered safe and supportive, loving environments to process their loss and sometimes they do need to see us cry. Often wearing our heart on our sleeve can be challenging but it will help to normalise these emotions so that children understand that it’s a normal part of life to be sad sometimes. It may also help them to express their own emotions, too, rather than feeling they have to hide them. If you are struggling, there are numerous resources open to parents and guardians who are struggling with all of the above. Barnardo’s offer a support line that you can contact if you need more advice: 0289 066 8333 

Tip 5 - Self Help 

If self help is more your thing, head on over to If Heaven Had a Postcode You’ll find a blog page updated 3 times weekly with numerous self-help resources. You’ll also find my flagship book ‘If Heaven had a postcode’ with a Junior Edition being released in Spring 2024. This ‘more than a memorial book’ is designed to hold the hand of any child processing grief. With envelopes dotted throughout the book containing letters to write to loved ones along with other surprises, it promises to keep children engaged and offers useful tips and talking points so that they can process their emotions whilst always remembering that special someone 

Thank you so much for spending your time today reading this blog on How to help a child deal with the death of a Grandparent. I really do hope that some of the tips above support you. 

I’ll be back soon with some more helpful tips and ideas to help you move forward with your own grief journey. 

With love,

Sabrina x